flutters my heart... and flutters my whole existence... when u come and depart... come and depart ... unannolunced ... everytime... all the time...
i am poet when you are around... your thoughts surround... i m a miser for words otherwise...

writing is not a passion ... or a hobby . it is an expression of my being...

its time now when i no more know... but only desire... deisre of the unknown... memories of the past.

god bless my soul. and urs.. and the enitre world's

god bless god.

unexpected pleasures....

most beautiful things come unexpected in our life...

sometimes its our success.... sometimes its a girl...

sometimes its family...

MY REALITY

THERE IS NO ONE TO TALK TO. NO MORE.
I LOATHE THIS GAP, TIMES WHEN I WANT TO TALK TO YOU BUT YOU ARE NOT AROUND.
THERE IS NO ONE NO MORE. I FOUND A FRIEND I COULD TALK TO, BUT SHE FELL IN LOVE, THE INEVITABLE HAPPENED WITH HER AND NOW I HAVE TO GET AWAY.
I HAVE TO GET AWAY AS I CANT TAKE THE PRESSURE OF LOVE. STRANGE ISN’T IT? SINCE WHEN LOVE BECAME A PRESSURE FOR ME! MY LOVE MY REALITY. I TELL MYSELF THIS IS NO DREAM. THIS IS MY REALITY.
TOMORROW IF I DIE, IT WILL BE FINE. I WILL NOT FEAR DEATH AND DESIRE LIFE WHEN YOU ARE WITH ME. TODAY EVERYDAY IS A WASTE AS I DO NOT DESIRE LIFE AND I FEAR DEATH. EVERY DAY SPENT WITHOUT YOU WILL NOT COME BACK, I WANT TO LIVE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE TO ONCE AGAIN WALK TOGETHER.

break a fast

In myself , I see it all
reflections of my soul, presence of you.
Over powering,cosistent,constant
A truth beyond all truths, illusions of my own...
In myself I see it all

When we fall in love
We want the world to know, we see colors, beautiful colors we want them to see it through our eyes.
We forget a few things about reality while we are living in a wonderland, people notice…
They may not see the world as we do at that time… we expose our self.
Awareness is the key… whether we are in love or not, if we see the world with open eyes... Life will be stable.
When heart breaks, we realize a few things the hard way. Especially when we have our first heartbreak.
Love is belief, faith, devotion… love is surrender… surrender to the wishes of the universe…
Love is not a person… love is a feeling, a feeling of extreme awareness where we surrender to the universe and believe in its actions…
A partner is just a medium. Mediums can change as long as the trust stays. Most of the times we understand the medium to be love itself. People change, as life moves on…

morning

its not always that we write with style...

sometimes we just write...

we write coz we cant say many things..

sure we shall wait for the moment to share our thoughts, our feelings..

the moment is when our heart tells us is right...

walking around the emerald green lake...early in the morning..

i talk in silence..

silence... a way i discovered is the best for communication...

any communication... all communications.

remove the dark glasses and the world is a brighter place.. with lush green trees and fresh dew on the grass.. when i walk around the emerald green lake the world seems a brighter place...

there is a particular tree under which i sit..

i sit and *** speaks to me.. in the language i did not know but have grown to be hypnotized by it.

*** the magic.. sorceress

the darkness shall never follow... step up..

May 7th

In the moments of emptiness..
I find no release,
reasoning fails me yet again,
and i find myself incapable..
incapable of keeping away.. keeping away from fate,
and keeping away from memories!!!
for my hheart is not ready..
not ready to accept its fate..

Their differences widen..
widen everyday..
widen in the moments of silence
widen in the moments of emptiness and in the moments of pain.
Life does teach me...
teach me everyday, day after day ...
a new lesson.
Yet i find..
find no relief..
no relief for the silence i carry,
cary in my soul..
why have you become,
become a living dead...
a ghost in the darkness,
up on the banayan tree....
Come down.. come down now,
for i desired, desired only you...
"You, My Fate"

anand

a friend i will miss all my life..
forgive me ..
forgive me my friend,
for i shall never meet u ...
meet u the way we met on the streets of koregaon park..
for i am no more ..
no more the person you met

tea

how will i ever come now
come for that cup of tea
you asked us to come over,
come over one evening and have a cup of tea
how will i ever come
come now, for that cup of tea

victims of our own desire

there is nothing in life that has a perfect definition...
alot is defined by the world around us and not by the action itself...
times when u dont care about the world's point of view, they will do everything to make sure we bend down to its rules...
this is a jungle...
my friends... who ever is reading this post today,
there is a flux of paranoi running through me...
at the same time i feel a sense of stability.. of calmness i don't think i had ever before..
now i feel no shame...
so i am ready to take responsibility for my own actions...
i try my best to avoid situations... situations that can be painful...
but i can do all a human can do in his capacity... sometimes... its the forces of the nature that determines our destiny...
it takes a brave to accept destiny... we learn it only after forgeting that life is not abt making mistakes...
only when we get trapped in the web of activities that takes charge and determines our faith..
may be its less confusing that way...lets us leave peacefully without having to figure out what to do with life...

The Story

The story is long....

may take a lifetime...

lifetime to finish

as of now its nowhere near its end...

The story that started with our comunion, where consumation defined a new language of love, of souls melting be one.

The story will go on,

even when the bodies are apart.

A union of two breaks,

breaks when one opts out..

and the other stays...

stays numb,immobile, still

unable to move

unable to blink

hardly able to breathe

the story moves on...

to this day, the numb stays numb...

lost in past chapters of the union, where two souls entwined in bliss

in bliss and in divinity. . .

the story goes on.

what's next... asks the reader

asks about the story of life...

asks to turn pages...

to move to the next one...

for life is stuck...

stuck as it is unaware...

unaware of what lies next...

the banyan

The Banyan

It was a dark night...
with hurdles on the way...
a short distance to cover ...
that seemed the longest ever...
my body was tired...
the acid wearing out...
vision blurred...
i was crawling...
following my friends on the way to the banyan tree...
it was a dark night...
a dark night when the moon was bright...
luminating white.... glorious light...
it was a dark night...

this is where the story begins....
the sunrise...
at the banyan...
banyan, where my feet were not ready to take me ....
ever, before that glorious night...
the fire was burning out...
still holding the warmth.. as a lost lover who has enough to share even when death is around
Then i met petra as i walked into the centre of the tree...
peaceful, calm, smiling...
her presence was warm... i felt a sense of security, a bit scare.. i had head rumours... abt this place...


it was a few years back when i was at the sweet lake and i saw someone coming down from the forest...
i asked out of curiosity... i had heard stories b''fore
what's up there??? she said ..... me
I did not get it...
but i knew i was not ready...
not ready to be there yet...
so i waited , waited until that dark night....
when my feet walked me over...
over to the banyan...

it was merry... and pure.. peaceful and musical.. it was natural and it was something i never experienced before...
the fire never went out... ever
petra.. was particular about that...
it was the presence, the sign of life... of life in the forest...
it was a symbol.. symbol of strength.. and of warmth...
the fire never went off

its been a year and half now...

since i have been to the banyan...

the banyan which has different meaning in my life..

the banyan which is home to someone love most dearly...

no more

no more...

no more i will feel again...

feel the pain...

never again...

no more...

say to myself...

everytime i feel the pain...

its done...

thing that i just loved..

loved and never tried to rationalize

for rationalizing was too little

too little to match the acceptance that my loved had...

love needs no respect...

no respect when we see two human beings as one...

when we feel one......

respect is too little..

too little in front of love..

love and acceptance...

acceptance that needs no rationalizing....

i look at it now...

i look at it now and i smile at myself...

i smile as i see it differenetly...

wonderful isn't it !!!

THE BLACK DOG

The black dog...

looking at me from a distance...

looking at me

and smiling with a mockery in eyes

you pet him

you kiss him

i scare him

i scare him

and he scares me

we look at each other

look at each other with contempt and jealousy

you go, pet him

you pet him and you kiss him

the black dog looks at me...

looks at me with mockery in his eyes

the black dog!!!

my reflection once...

my companion now

GREEN

I miss..

i miss nothing but one thing..

the string of green beads..

it holds my prayer...

holds my love...

holds my faith...

my power...

i miss nothing..

nothing but the strings of green beads..

beads that is no more green...

for their colour has faded...

faded with time..with time it has lost its colour

it has lost colour...

but still holds my prayer..

my faith...

my love..

my power...

i miss nothing else

nothing but the string of green beads

beads that i have no more... but will always be mine

NO OTHER

there can be no one else...

no one, who can take your place...

for you are the only one...

the one who was so special...

special enough to loose myself...

special enough to feel that way...

there will be no one else...

no one, i would imagine to live with for a life time...

for if its anyone but you...

it scares me...

it scares me to think...

to think about spending a life time...

i wished you were here...

here in my arms...

in my arms and not just in my memories...

for memories are surreal...

its your presence i desire...

not for a day... not for a month... not for a year... or years...

i desire it for this life time if no other...

you shouldn't have left...

you shouldn't have left...

as the roads sometime are a one way street...

i shall never...

never seek that warmth anymore...

for that warmth i shared with you ....

is enough...

is enough for a life time...

a life time i have already lived...

lived it with you...

it matters no more...

if i am dead or alive

there can be no one esle...

no one else that can take your place...

Sadness engulfs me...
as the pain gets unbearable...
unbearable and destructive...

i kill myself soon...
only if i am not dead yet

where are you???
lost???
but why???
did you have to go???

ask yourself...
ask yourself when you read this...
if you read this...
ask yourself...

why did you have to go???
why did you come in at the first place???
and when you came...
and felt my presence...
my presence that made you feel alive again...

why was it that you could not put more trust into it...
trust that might have kept it glorious...
glorious as it was...
when we walked into each other...
unannounced...

why???
why did you have to walk away???
walk away into the darkness...
darkness that blinds me...
darkness that tells me....
asks me to stay away...

stay away or it will kill you...
you who have walked into his arms...
why did you have to ....
have to walk into his arms....

the darkness tells me...
tells me that you are no more...
no more for me or anyone else...
he alone has the power...
the power to keep you alive...

i wish no light...
no light in my life...
my life that is darker...
darker than the core of the earth...
darker than the universe ...
the universe that exist...
exists behind the stars...

for if it was not for your life...
i would walk directly...
directly into the center of the darkness...
the place where you live

i wonder..
wonder if i have already lived my life completely...
lived it all in each glorious moment spent with you...
moments that are visible...
visible like a film...
a film running in front of me...

i never lived...
lived in a way...
the way i lived with you...
each moment is special..
special is every second of it..
and special is every word..
every word that was spoken..
and every word that was not spoken...

i lived...
lived my life with you...
in those glorious moments...

forgive me ...
forgive me, if i live no more...
for there is no feeling...
no sensation...
no desire...
left anymore...

i will exist...
exist to live that glory...
that glory which stays in me...
it stays in me and you cant take it...
take it away from me...
for this is one thing i will always protect...
protect it from your greed

go back to the banyan...
i no longer seek to climb it...
climb it and bring you down...
down, where my heart is...

my reasons have failed...
failed in the quest...
quest of bringing you back...
back, where my heart is...

i will live no more...
no more...
forgive me...
you who shall come in my life now...

for life shall never be empty...
never be alone...
forgive me now...
now, before you walk over my corpse....

where is the light

Strong experiences brings in profound changes in our personality,
this change manifest with time, transformation is the time when this happens.

its not easy to live this time, there is past, there is present and there is future
memories, experiences, desire, fear, craving... all becomes a part of existence
darkness surrounds us, black clouds covering the sky, quiet, calm, dark!!

sure change happens, they say in god's world all happens for good

web

i will live.. if it is not there
i will live happier if its there
i will be happiest if its there and desire me as much as i desire it!!

Yes, i desire it.. it which is not unusal, but difficult, it which challenges me at every step
My desire for it is of no meaning, if its not mutual, if we dont share similar respect for each other!!

Yes, me is naive, so is it.. but we will grow, with time.. together!!
yes that's what i desire..

This will make sense to the society, to families, to elders.. if our heart is pure and our intentions are true.
This i believe, may be the only thing i believe in right now!!

'It' is the only thing that has made me feel alive, though i still breathe, when it is far away and distant..
And i will never cease to breathe.. though i am afraid there will be no life.. it will just be a dead man breathing on artificial system.. like we see in the hospitals.
It holds the key to my happiness and my directions.. i think what i want in life.. put all my logic to want everything else but it.. silly!! haan.. all i see at the end that it is the only thing i want and then everything else will make sense..

It will make sense only if i dont have to bend down on my knees and beg for it.. it will loose all meaning then.. for what good it will be if there is no respect.. coz if there is no respect there is no love.. we will cease to exist.. i alreasy have... but i still hope.. hope for the best and live happily till then!!

me.. silly!!.. me

My Existence

I am sorry... for failing myself,
it may seem that i have failed her.. but its me who i have failed the most.
I am sorry for not knowing what i am doing,
I am sorry for the pain and the trouble i caused for the people i love the most.
I am sorry for not understanding what is the right thing to do..
I am sorry for letting my desire overrule my reasoning al the time.
I am sorry for blaming you .. for the mistakes i did..
I am sorry for not keeping my promises.
I am sorry for being such a child...

One thing i am not sorry about is that i tried my best to do what i promised, even though it was not the right thing at that time.
I am not sorry about being hopelessly in love with you,
I am not sorry for you being a part of my existence now,
I am not sorry for sleeping and waking up only with you,
I am not sorry for missing you every moment,
I am not sorry for these tears flowing down my cheek.. when i realize what i have done

No matter how i feel now..or whether i am sorry or not sorry about anything,
being so close to me , you are so distant.
A thousand achievements is not enough to fulfill the space in my heart, which craves for your warmth.
Today i accept my mistakes, bend down on my knees and promise myself to once again believe in myself ...
I thought i was doing the right thing, though i suppressed my intuiton..
Now i stand in a hopeless situation, where it doesn't matter anymore , how much i love you, how much i want you, how much i desire for you...

I am sorry once again for being what i am ...

Being sorry is not going to help now. I will get only what i worth in this life, I have to understand this little reason of life.

I miss you like i never missed anything before, I want you like i have never wanted anything else.I promise to do everything i can to .... i just hope and pray that its the right thing i am doing.

I love You!!!

understanding things as they are"rationality"

All efforts towards rationality gives me momentory peace. The thought of being alone is not scary as we all are alone in the most crucial moments of life. The thought of not having her as my partner, with whom i want to share my pleasure and pains, makes me sad.
How do i become wise!! When i am not sure that its wisdom that i want.
As of this day i have seeked only love and warmth, Where does it come from?
I am not perfect, nor is anyone else in this world.. we make mistakes, we make wrong judgements, we fail to understand situation as they are in the wisely manner.

I have made a mistake! i failed to see things as they are!!
My intuiton says that nothing is completely lost unless we want it that way.
N yes i do to put a part of the blame on her "her, who now seems to be far away n untouchable"
but in my heart, i know that i cant stop loving her, purely for the reason that i love the way she is and attracted to her for her boldness, strength to handle herself in a pressure situaion, ability to take decisions and believe in what she wants. Some people told me its selfish, though i fail to see it that way, even though it hurts alot be not a part of her life.

Today i am learning to cope up with a loss, its diffcult though, just coz i know that its not lost, just hiding somewhere, teasing me, testing me... to be sure that i am the one who has the strength, the power and the intimacy to keep a life long relation.
These are thoughts that circles around me, all the time. Let me use this hour to strenthen my soul, to be able to handle pressures, to become something that allows someone else to believe that i am good enough to be with.

I want to tell her, " her who is a mirror of reality of life in this era, which i am so ignorant of or try to keep away from, in my quest of peace n purity" that i will try to learn n understand things as they are.